keep going

image from here

I've written in journals since I was a kid. My Hello Kitty "diary" with a lock and key still sit in my childhood bedroom. My thoughts back then aren't so distant from what they are now. I still worry about losing people, perhaps on a grander scale now though. I still concern myself with how well I'll do on an exam (which now comes in the form of a photo shoot). I rarely go a week without taking my pen and paper and writing about how I wish there was more peace in the world. It eats away at me.

But what I've found is going back through the years, though my journals, through my thoughts from childhood to now, well it sets me straight. It reminds me today is just a day and tomorrow will bring something new. Reading my own thoughts keeps me looking forward and somehow constantly teaches me to keep going. Keep reaching, keep striving to be a better mom, a more loyal citizen, a simpler person.

I guess I bring this up because before christmas I came across my journal from Tanzania and within it I had written, "I don't know how or if I will make it through this broken hearted feeling. I don't know how I will move forward and ever be ok without him, without this place, without these babies that need me as much as I need them." And so it went on, tear splattered pages of words. Broken, unknown and fearful. Reading it all brings me back and brings the emotional outrage back, too. However it's shown me how strong I now am. I did make it through, as we always do, as long as we keep going...

If you don't write, I suggest trying. Take a notebook and every day just make one note about how you're feeling. Or, simply pick up a pen or go to your email whenever you are frustrated, defeated or especially when you are happy. And just note it all. Date. Time. Place. Emotions.

THEN, go back in a week. In a month, in a decade...